The Pastel Effect by Arly Carmack

Author:Arly Carmack [Carmack, Arly]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cohasset Drive Independent Press
Published: 2020-11-24T20:00:00+00:00

13

And Tomorrow, I’m Sorry

It was bittersweet watching Cody drive away from Rocky Ridge the next morning. Gram filled him up on french toast and turkey sausage and he was happy enough when he left.

I waited until dark to text him.

Did you make it home OK?

No answer. No answer by midnight. No answer by morning. I texted first. I got no answer. My fear of looking pathetic stopped me from texting him again. I was so afraid of looking clingy and I still didn’t want to admit that I liked him more. I had a sick feeling for the rest of the time we stayed at Gram’s. I wished I could be casual like my father was. Maybe because he was a man, he could be so close to someone then be so far away from them and not even think about them. I wanted that. I wanted to be able to go home and run into Cody somewhere and say, “Oh, do I know you? Oh, yes, I think I did give you a blow job once, that’s right. You are that guy.”

Of course, it wasn’t like that for me, a female, who carries every single thing that ever happened around in her heart forever. How do you let people, or things, stop hurting you? How do you do it? I wanted to know. I got emotional and felt like I was going to cry at every little thing. I rocked in the hammock reading and napping and reading some more. Like we always did, my father and I went to visit her grave before we went home. I chose yellow roses to put there. He had an excellent cry and I cried with him, probably over something else, though. We sat on the grass with her and he traced her name with his finger.

“Do you feel empty?” I finally asked him.

“What do you mean, Bear?”

“Do you feel empty without her? Do you still feel empty when you try to fill yourself up with something that is the wrong thing? Is that why you’re so sad?”

He wiped his eyes and smiled. “A piece of advice about guys? Ask one question at a time, OK? Our brains can’t handle all of that.”

“Do you feel empty without her?”

“It’s not empty. It’s more just like crap. I feel like crap without her.”

My dad, who knew so many words, liked to say things like crap.

“Do you feel empty after you sleep with women you don’t love?”

He shrugged. “That, too, is more like crap. A different kind of crap, though.”

“Do you keep doing the same thing over again expecting different results?”

“No. I like the pre-crap feeling. Guys are guys. Always remember that, too.” His hand finally dropped from the stone and he shielded his eyes from the sun. “Why the questions?”

“I haven’t heard from Cody since he left here and I feel empty and I hate letting anyone have that power over me.”

My dad just smiled his sympathetic, knowing smile. Sometimes there was nothing to say.

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